The following written interviews with childfree-by-choice women were conducted on-line in early 2008. I would like to personally thank the contributors who so thoughtfully completed the survey and contributed so much of themselves to this project. Your contributions go a long way to illuminate the pronatalist forces that we confront in our everyday lives and the truth about the joys and challenges of being a childfree woman.

Click on any name at the right to read the full interview of each participant.

Natalia E., Age 26

Is the idea of having children something that you are open to, or were open to at some point in the past? Is the fact that you don’t have children the result of a deliberate decision or just the way your life happened to work out? If it was a deliberate decision, can you tell me something about how you made this choice, the circumstances, your reasons, whether it was easy, hard, etc.?

I have never really entertained the idea of having kids. I remember writing in my diary when I was 11 that I would never have kids. I've never changed my mind or had second thoughts about it since then. I just somehow know that kids aren't for me.

What are the three most important factors that influenced your decision to be childfree? Do you enjoy being childfree? If so, why? If not, why not? Are there any bad things about being childfree? If so, what are they?

There are so many factors – probably hundreds – that vary from almost insignificant to Big Important Issues. If I had to summarize the top three, I suppose they would be: 1. I’m not into kids. I don’t have any big issues with seeing them around, and I’ve even babysat in the past with no problems, but the idea of having to educate and raise a whole entire human being is too overwhelming a responsibility for me. I find children’s toys and entertainment to be exasperating and annoying. I don’t like the toddler phase that kids go through, when they whine a lot and seem unable to modulate the volume of their voice. If I had to deal with that on a daily basis, I can easily see it pushing me over the brink of insanity. And even if my kid turned out to be a little saint, I’d still have to deal with its potentially-nightmarish friends. 2. I greatly value my autonomy and my ability to freely move about and do things at my leisure. For at least the first year or so of its life, I would be completely tied to a child, with my primary concern being its wee little well-being. I would lose all of my free time. I would forget about my hobbies. I would lose ground at work. And from what I understand, you’re lucky if you get seven hours of sleep a week when your child is a newborn. That, again, would drive me over the brink of insanity. 3. I like to take the occasional risk, but I consider having a child to be far too much of a gamble. There are NO guarantees. I could die in childbirth. My husband/partner might not want to put in any effort to raise the child (the majority of child-rearing seems to rest on the mother’s shoulders, while the fathers consider it “babysitting” when they are alone with the kid for half an hour… this is extremely distasteful to me). My husband/partner could divorce/leave me, which would put a serious strain on finances/time/energy. My husband/partner could die and leave me to raise the child alone. The child could have a serious birth defect. Despite my best efforts, the hypothetical child could grow up to be a teenage mother, a drug addict, a thief, a murderer, a child molester, a guest on the Jerry Springer Show. For me, the benefits just do not outweigh the risk.

In light of these, and many other, reasons, it should be obvious that I enjoy being childfree. The very definition of the word “childfree” implies that one is FREE from something that would otherwise be a burden. It’s not meant to be insulting to parents or to anyone – it simply means you don’t have children and you like it that way. On the other hand, if you don’t have children (because you aren’t ready yet, don’t have a partner, can’t conceive, or whatever reason) but you’d like to have them, now or someday… that’s childLESS, implying something is missing.

I suppose the downsides to being childfree include being constantly asked when you’re having kids, why you’re not having kids, but you should have kids, don’t you want kids?, you’re being selfish if you don’t have kids, you need someone to take care of you when you’re older, it’s different when they’re your own, don’t you want to give your parents grandkids?, you’re smart so you need to have kids, what if your parents thought the same way you did?, your kids would be so cute, By The Way You’re a Horrible Selfish Child-Hater and I’m GLAD You’re Not Having Kids!!! You get the picture. Also, if you label yourself “childfree,” you’re likely to be classified as one of the lovely stereotypes mentioned below. In short, the downsides of being childfree result solely from other people’s attitudes about someone else’s personal choice.

Please describe the kinds of reactions you have received from others in response to your not having children. How supportive and accepting have your friends and family been? How accepting do you feel society as whole is of the voluntarily childless ("childfree") lifestyle? Do you feel childfree individuals suffer from unfairness, prejudice or discrimination in society? Do you feel there are common misconceptions about childfree individuals or the childfree lifestyle?

I’ve been announcing to my family that I’m not going to have any kids for about fifteen years. I even told my mom when I was in high school that I wanted a tubal (not right then, but eventually). My mother and grandmother used to laugh and say I’d change my mind when I got older. Since I’ve been in college, they seem to have accepted it. However, my mom made some random remarks about “BABIES!!!” when I started dating my current boyfriend, and it’s looking like I’m going to get engaged soon. I am really hoping she doesn’t think I’ll change my mind once I’m married and settled. I only have one other sibling, and she’s not sure if she’s going to have kids either (health issues), so it’s possible my mom might start to pressure both of us for that grandkid. As for my friends, I occasionally get “You’d have such beautiful babies with [boyfriend]!” I usually counter with, “Yeah, because the only important thing is that the kid is cute, right? It doesn’t matter that I have no desire to conceive it, spawn it, and care for it.” This tends to quiet people right down. Currently, though, I’m not feeling any particular pressure from anyone else about having kids.

As far as the social implications of being childfree, I think there are some stereotypes that are attached, and they come with the requisite double standard. Childfree men sometimes get the reputation of being freewheeling bachelors, but women get tagged as being bitter, spinsterish women who never get laid, are “selfish,” and possibly even latently homosexual. It’s obviously the “norm” in American culture to get married and have babies. Look at sitcoms and commercials in particular. It’s even mandated in some religions that having kids fulfills your commitment to God (or something). With that kind of social imperative, people start to think that having babies is Just What Everyone is Supposed to Do. This kind of thinking naturally results in some misunderstanding about why someone would choose the childfree lifestyle, because those few who go against the grain are often viewed in a somewhat suspicious light.

I understand that some childfree people feel discriminated against in workplace situations because their time is viewed as less important than that of a parent (for example, where a childfree person is asked to stay late to cover for someone who has gone to their child’s soccer game). I believe that this could happen, but I can’t say I share this experience.

In retrospect, how do you feel about your decision to be childfree? Do you still feel the same way as always on this issue? To date have you had any regrets? Do you think you may have regrets later in life? Is there any possibility you may change your mind about having children at some point?

I sincerely doubt I will ever change my mind and have children at any point in my life. I’ve felt the same way for fifteen years so far. It’s not something I ever wanted or envisioned myself doing. I won’t completely rule out the possibility of some kind of major sea-change in my lifestyle and personality as I get older, but it’s highly, highly unlikely. I’ve never regretted it and I’ve refused to compromise on the issue in my relationships.

Have you had any childfree role models during your life? Please explain.

I never thought of them as role models, per se, but I did have two great female teachers in high school who were childfree (one married, one not). Some of my most successful female relatives are childfree. Truthfully, I never even heard the word “childfree” until last year. I never realized there were so many people who were actively deciding not to have children. Obviously, it’s a very personal choice, but there does seem to be a developing childfree community.

When you compare your life to the lives of women you know who have children (family, friends, co-workers), how would you evaluate the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle?

I know very few women my age who have children, and I don’t closely associate with them. One of them is in a very poor-quality relationship with the child’s father, though they are still married. She always brings the child when she visits – the only way she can leave home without the child is when it is sleeping, since the father seems unable to care for the child when it’s awake. This usually results in our friend being called back home at the drop of a hat if the child wakes up unexpectedly. Life satisfaction? Not even comparable. I’m also not the cleanest person in the world, but I’ve seen what a toddler can do to an otherwise-passable house. Dried macaroni and cheese stuck to every available surface? No thanks. I notice that a common thread for parents is constant lack of time (for leisure activities) and money (for almost everything… unless the parent is involved in illegal activities, and yes, it happens). I’m not lining up to do a Life Swap with these people anytime soon. (I find it hard to actually “compare” my life to the lives of the mothers I know well, who would be mostly my mom, grandma, and friends’ mothers. It would be dissertation-length in itself!)

Do you perceive that there are any dominant messages expressed in our culture about having children? If so, what are they?

Yes, the dominant message is that You’re Supposed to Have Babies Because That’s What Normal, Good Women Do. The subliminal message is that you’re less of a woman if you don’t reproduce. You might even be accused of being *gasp* a feminist! How dare you not want to produce more CONSUMERS! (And therein lies the essence of the social/religious imperative to breed…)

Do you feel these messages are for the most part accurate, inaccurate, misleading or something else? Please explain.

Sarcasm aside, the fact that women feel they “need” to have kids is leading a lot of women to have kids and later regret it. A woman who doesn’t really want a kid, but has one anyway because her husband wants a baby/her parents or in-laws want a grandkid, probably isn’t going to throw her heart and soul into raising that kid. So kid potentially grows up feeling unloved and neglected. (Maybe mom even “accidentally” lets the kid wander off in a mall. Or leaves the kid in a hot car on a summer day in Phoenix. I’m just sayin’.) The idea of motherhood is definitely glorified by the media – women’s magazines and commercials feed us the image that parenting is all warm and fuzzy moments. Women get so excited about being pregnant (getting attention) and having the baby (getting attention), and then realize they HATE doing the actual work of motherhood. They get no sleep, they don’t have time to shower for days on end, they’re covered in spit-up and puke, they have hemorrhoids, they spend half the day feeding the kid and the other half trying to make it sleep… motherhood is not glamorous. The warm-and-fuzzy-parenting notion is a myth. If more women were aware of this, there’d probably be a lot more of them who would decide to be childfree!

Have any parents ever spoken to you about the "downside" of having children or told you if they had to go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids? Have any parents expressed that they are jealous of you for being childfree? If so, please describe the conversation(s).

Not to me specifically. I do love to read True Mom Confessions though, which pretty much confirms that people can and do regret having children. (www.truemomconfessions.com)

Sharla W., Age 28

Is the idea of having children something that you are open to, or were open to at some point in the past? Is the fact that you don’t have children the result of a deliberate decision or just the way your life happened to work out? If it was a deliberate decision, can you tell me something about how you made this choice, the circumstances, your reasons, whether it was easy, hard, etc.?

As a young child, I was never interested in baby dolls or Barbies. My Cabbage Patch kid, hard-won by my Grandmother at the peak of their popularity, sat abandoned at the bottom of the toy box. Instead I spent my time writing stories (I learned to write at an early age) and drawing. I am the younger of two children, so I had no experiences with caring for younger siblings or learning to 'share mommy' with them. On my mother's side of the family, all of my cousins are significantly older than me, so I never had any younger cousins to play with as a child. On my father's side of the family, I am the second-oldest cousin (the oldest being my older brother), but younger cousins did not start entering the family until I was well into my teenage years. As a teen, I spent the rare occasion babysitting, but avoided it whenever possible. I recall indicating to my mother that I didn't care for babysitting children, but she told me the classic line, "It's different when it's your own." Being young, I accepted that at face value.

I was not what some childfree refer to as an "early articulator", by openly stating that I would never have children. I simply did not engage in any "motherly" activities such as wanting baby dolls, playing with babies, or as I got older, interacting with children. Back then, I found children much the same as I do now: messy, noisy, and boring while being emotionally and physically draining. I did not like being around them because I find even normal behavior for a child is very annoying. Having children was something that just happened when you grew up - so I would have to say that for much of my early life, I was open to the possibility, since I did not put much thought into it one way or another. I never openly longed for motherhood or dreamed of what I would name my future children; I simply assumed that I would deal with that once the inevitable occurred. All that time, I was open to the possibility. I am no longer open to the possibility, having made a deliberate decision to not have children when I was in my second year of marriage and I was finally faced with what is supposed to come after you get married.

When my husband and I were engaged, we discussed having children without feelings of either dread or anticipation, trying to estimate where they would fit into our timeline of career, energy, and financial stability. Originally, we both decided to put off children until we had enjoyed some initial "married time" together, which seems to be a traditional period of two or three years for many couples. We wanted this initial happy married time to enjoy being together, while getting careers on track and earning enough money to have a stable household. Before the wedding, our vague decisions about children had formulated into the idea that after these initial years, we should have two children spaced fairly close together to get them over with, so that they could be more or less out of the house for when we retired, and our married-person-must-raise-children duty would be finished.

It is important to note that my husband approached the entire "children duty" in the same way I did: as an obligation that didn't really hold much excitement, but generally must be done. The malaise towards childbearing and -raising duty continued into the early stages of marriage, where my husband and I enjoyed our time together very much, and the idea we would "have children someday" began to stretch out indefinitely. Being married did not instill in me any more longing for children than I had before marriage. I had never been particularly interested in children, still had no longing for any of my own, and as the expected time for when we approximated having our own approached, I began to really pay attention to children's behavior in my extended family and in public. I realized, looking back over my life, that I didn't really like children, didn't interact well with them, but had always accepted the adage from my mother, "It's different when it's your own." The problem was, I began to realize I didn't WANT any of my own. I had never had any interest in children over my entire life because I found interacting with them was boring, tiresome, and that children generally annoyed me - the entire time I had been unconsciously avoiding them. I don't find babies cute or appealing, and their cries make me want to escape as opposed to comfort them. Children require constant, unrelenting attention - they are noisy, messy, and behaviorally still learning how to even act human.

My husband and I had just recently gone through financial challenges, what with the expenses of university educations, student loans, and finding our first career-driven jobs. By taking care of these financial challenges, we had just begun to be able to enjoy a better standard of living, such as real food and a nice home versus cupboards full of $1-per-box microwave macaroni and apartments with rotting walls. There is a plethora of information available about the costs of raising children, and after looking into the cost, I became even firmer in my stance that I would rather enjoy some financial comfort than regress to our former lifestyle for the sake of a baby I didn't even want.

Another factor that affected my decision to have children is the fact that I like being surrounded by nice things. I have sizeable collections of DVDs, video games, and books, not to mention new furniture, dishes, and home decor. Let's be honest - children are naturally destructive. Children "explore" and "learn" through destroying things - ripping books, jumping on furniture, dropping breakables, scratching and fingerprinting discs, chewing and drooling on all of the above, not to mention getting any amount of horrific body fluids all over everything. Other adults are not even allowed to handle my possessions, and the thought of children having this natural amount of free rein over my things is unacceptable. I am perfectly within my bounds to enjoy my "things" more than wanting a child. My things give me more happiness than a child ever could, so I have no problem enjoying them while choosing not to have children.

For a long time, I felt as though disliking children to the point of not wanting any was unique to me: I had certainly never met anyone else who felt this way. One day, out of the blue, I searched online to see if there were any other people who did not want children, and to my surprise, I found the support I had lacked my entire life. Brought together by the Internet, finally, were people who shared my same thoughts and experiences, who delivered the message, "It's okay to choose not to have children at all." Finally came to me the revelation that I did not just have to put off having children - I could completely choose to never have any. After hearing the stories of other childfree people on the Internet, I realized that this was me, and this choice was the right one to make. It wasn't difficult to make the choice - the hard part was getting there. I am fortunate in that the person who means the most to me, my husband, fully supports my decision to be childfree and has embraced everything the childfree lifestyle has to offer. I suspect, like me, he never gave the idea much thought until faced with it, and then turned out to be a closet childfree all along. But that's a separate story.This is me - and I am childfree!

What are the three most important factors that influenced your decision to be childfree? Do you enjoy being childfree? If so, why? If not, why not? Are there any bad things about being childfree? If so, what are they?

The three most important factors that influenced my decision to be childfree are:

1) I simply don't like children; I find them irritating, tiresome, and their company boring

2) I enjoy having enough money to live comfortably; having enough to spend on hobbies, interests, and buying nice things for myself in addition to responsibilities such as mortgage, taxes, etc. Now that I am finished school and have paid off student loans, I am able to actually enjoy my money for the first time in my life. I will not go back into financial hardship because I am supporting children.

3) Actual as well as the prospect for more freedom. I am free to eat cereal for supper if I want, go out whenever I want, sleep in whenever I want, or do any fool thing I truly want to in my spare time. Like many other childfree people, I have responsibilities such as paying bills and working, but the prospect for increased freedom is there: I can quit my job to pursue a different career path, go back to school for more education, spontaneously travel should expenses allow it, etc. I may not actually choose to do any of these things, but the freedom IS there if I truly wanted to.

I absolutely enjoy being childfree because I feel as though I can live my life to the fullest and make the most of myself, because I am not cutting my own opportunities short for the sake of raising and being responsible for someone else. I don't have to be something that I'm not to try and keep up social expectations. My life is exactly what I make of it, and I am in control over it.

The company of children is not fulfilling to me: I don't have to answer the same nagging questions; become run-down over keeping constant vigilance over a child's unrestrained, thoughtless actions; restrict my entertainment to be kiddy-friendly; plan around the schedule of a baby, toddler, or schoolchild; child-proof my home or have my beautiful house defiled with "kindercrap"; or lose sleep over a colicky baby or sick child.

My life is packed to the brim with responsibilities such as a career which I enjoy, a mortgage, taxes, family, marriage, and more - I would have to sacrifice some or all of these things to bring another piece of hopefully-average human genetic material into the already overcrowded world. Giving birth or adopting would mean that I would have to give up time at my job and become financially dependant on another person (my husband), which I find absolutely unacceptable. I cannot imagine not contributing financially and sponging off another person, especially because it increases the burden on the breadwinner. My husband and I make enough to live comfortably (note the "comfortably" - childfree people are often stereotyped as "rich" and not willing to make the same sacrifices as childed people). We make enough that we can have a nice home, eat good food, and put some money into retirement savings - I do not have to worry about a child's immediate financial needs or the future expenses of a child's education. I am happy with my husband, my friends, and the chance to pursue any hobbies or interests that spark my fancy. Childed people sometimes argue, "But children change you!". I like who I am and I enjoy my life - why would I want to change anything?

The bad part of being childfree, in my opinion, does not include "missing out" on anything child-related, because personally I would not want to experience what I am "missing out" on in the first place. The bad part is the awkwardness with being a sort of social anomaly that instantly closes you off from other people, especially women. Upon meeting another adult for the first time, almost all people will ask the question, "Do you have any children?", with the expectation that of course you do - it's a pathway to you telling others more about yourself, because "everyone" has kids. It's not so much, "Do you have children?" as "Everyone has children, so tell me more about them" as a socially comfortable pathway to getting to know another adult more personally. When you reply to this question in the negative, you often shut down interaction completely because you defy the other person's expectations, leaving no comfortable middle ground or commonality with which to form a closer bond with another person. You become immediately singled out with a series of stereotypes such as being strange, cold, immature, or selfish, and often parents will more comfortably seek out the company of other parents, as they don't have to come up with something more creative than stories about their kids to share. They will not make the effort for a childfree person, so often social exclusion from peers is one bad side-effect of being childfree, just because as a lifestyle choice it is not widely accepted and vastly misunderstood.Another bad part of being childfree is constantly having to justify your choice to a childed majority. WHY don't we want something that is "normal"? WHY don't we find children cute? WHY would we even question something that is natural? Our choice is put under a microscope and we have to be analyzed as though there is something wrong with us. If we can even communicate our choice and have it believed, it is not accepted. There is generally one response: we will "change our mind". It is rare to express this aspect about ourselves and not have it met with anger or puzzlement, let alone acceptance.

There are a set of stereotypes associated with the childfree person that are absolutely unfounded: that we are irresponsible, rich, selfish, immature, cold-hearted, have an easier life, are not a family, and our commitments are less important. Of course, all of these are untrue, and even if they were true, they are not related to whether one has had a child or not. Any bad parts of being childfree lie not with the individual who has made the choice, but how society perceives the individual who has made the choice.

Please describe the kinds of reactions you have received from others in response to your not having children. How supportive and accepting have your friends and family been? How accepting do you feel society as whole is of the voluntarily childless ("childfree") lifestyle? Do you feel childfree individuals suffer from unfairness, prejudice or discrimination in society? Do you feel there are common misconceptions about childfree individuals or the childfree lifestyle?

The reactions I normally get from people with whom I have shared my choice are an immediate dismissal of that choice ("you'll change your mind" or "you're just not ready yet"), disbelief that I can actually be serious, and some thought or remark about a lack of maturity ("you just don't know your own mind yet" or "you'd have them if you could handle some responsibility"). There is also usually hostility mixed in, where the other person gets offended (usually this reaction would come from a childed person), and/or pity because I'm "missing out" on such a common, wonderful experience. Reactions to my childfree choice among family and friends are mixed. My father, who is very liberal-minded and has been open about the fact that having children reduced the time and money he had for interests such as golfing, baseball, and cars, is very accepting and understanding, claming that he's happy if we have them or if we don't. My mother, on the other hand, seems more conflicted. She claims to not care either way, but her actions speak otherwise. She is very uncomfortable whenever I speak of not having children, and usually reminds me to keep my options open, that it's different when it's your own, and that even though she didn't like babysitting, her children are her best friends. My brother, who hasn't raised so much as a houseplant, is openly against the idea. He once commented comfortingly to my mother, "Don't worry. I'll make up for Sharla not having kids for you." My one remaining grandparent, my paternal grandmother, makes snide remarks to me about how wonderful children are and how abnormal I am for not loving them.

I have not discussed my choice with my extended family, such as cousins, as on my mother's side they are all child-burdened, exhausted, full-time zombies of mothers, and on my father's side, they are all children themselves. I can predict what their reactions would be, and they wouldn't be favorable. I have not shared this choice with my husband's side of the family for the same reasons. I have only been open about my childfree choice to very close friends (maybe around 4 people), who are actually much more supportive than most of my family. Many of my acquaintances are or were coworkers at one time and have young children of their own, and I do not offer any information about my personal choice to them at all. Of course, the other member of my immediate family (my husband) has been the most wonderful, fully supportive of my choice and embracing all the advantages that a childfree lifestyle has to offer.

I feel that society as a whole is generally unaccepting of the choice to be childfree. Most people just go under the assumption that children are always a part of an adult's life, so that when it is discovered that someone has voluntarily chosen not to have children, most people just don't know what to make of it. Often, society condemns what it does not understand, and the childfree are viewed with suspicion and distrust: there must be something wrong with us to go against the prescribed norm. People with children are an overwhelming majority, so their voice is the one that is most heard by governments and employers, who skew benefits and policies to be "family friendly" while discriminating against the childfree. Ironically, the childfree often have more time and energy to dedicate to their jobs. Parents feel threatened when offered with an alternative to their lifestyle, sometimes because they did not realize a choice was even there, but just went ahead with life's prescribed plan. As a result, many childed people feel the need to justify their choice and defend themselves against the childfree, perhaps because they are not, in fact, happy with the choice they unthinkingly made. As a result, childfree people do face discrimination and prejudice, whether direct ("You don't have children? How immature and selfish!") or indirect ("Your coworker can have the time off because she has to spend time with her children, not like you."). This is, of course, when we are acknowledged at all - in mass media we are completely invisible.The most common misconception would probably be that childfree people live an inherently selfish lifestyle, because we have chosen not to make the "noble" sacrifices that parents have. Because parents exchange freedom, personal time, interests, opportunities, and finances for having children, they feel as though declaring themselves unselfish for their choice will somehow justify these losses, especially if deep down they feel having a child maybe wasn't worth that much sacrifice. Childfree people are not selfish, but many parents declare them as such when they see how much they have given up in comparison to someone who has made the decision to not have children.

Another common misconception is that childfree people are immature, that we are too irresponsible and childish ourselves to handle the great responsibility of raising children, which explains why an adult wouldn't want kids (because all adults do, right?). Of course, many childfree people sustain marriages, succeed at their careers, pay for mortgages and taxes, raise pets, travel, and volunteer - not exactly a mark of immaturity, especially considering that conceiving a baby involves nothing more than sexual intercourse and is in no way indicative of someone's maturity. If putting some thought into a choice is equated to "maturity", then childfree people may in fact be indicative of more maturity than the average childed person: we have weighed the pros and cons of such a life-changing event, putting much thought into deciding that we do NOT want children, when the average childed person simply sallies forth and children "just happen".

Yet another misconception is that childfree people lead empty, sad, lonely lives; we are missing out on children, and every adult's life should revolve around children. Because parents' lives are so wrapped up in their children (since children require constant time and attention) they feel as though a person whose life is not run by children would just have a big, empty space inside it. Of course, what they do not realize is that that space is filled up with things they have lost: friendships, hobbies, education, personal time, and career. Our lives are not empty; they are filled with the very same things parents give up before their lives become child-centered.

In retrospect, how do you feel about your decision to be childfree? Do you still feel the same way as always on this issue? To date have you had any regrets? Do you think you may have regrets later in life? Is there any possibility you may change your mind about having children at some point?

I am absolutely satisfied with my decision to be childfree; when I came to the realization that it is a possible, valid life choice, deep down I knew it was the right decision for me, and I experienced tremendous relief, as though a burden was lifted from my shoulders. Ever since that time, I have felt more confident about my feelings and increasingly certain that it is undoubtedly the best lifestyle choice for me.

As for whether I feel the same as always about the issue, at best my thoughts about childbearing were ambivalent and bounced between indifference and dread, and my feelings have now moved towards acceptance of who I am. To date I have had no regrets about my choice to be childfree - I am happy with my lifestyle and I now know that I have no reason to change the way I live to someday accommodate children. I know that I can live my life exactly the way I want to, and that there are an exciting plethora of possibilities open to me. I do not think that I will have any regrets about being childfree later on in life - my life is already crammed full of things to do or things that I want to do, I doubt I will ever run out of things to keep me busy, even without children to distract me from my goals. Later on in life I still plan to have a full family life with me and my spouse, as well as having my career, my hobbies and interests, and my friends. I have many independent hobbies as well, so that even when I am alone, I don't feel lonely. After retirement, if possible, I plan to take care of myself and maintain an independent household (as in, me and my husband) as long as possible, and should the time come that I ever need care, I will be able to afford it. Children are not necessary to be happy in old age, so I doubt that I will ever come to regret my decision.

There is no possibility of changing my mind about having children - I know that a life without children is the life I want. Though my husband and I are very careful, if an accidental pregnancy were to occur, I would be ready and willing to abort the fetus. I do not have any desire or drive to raise a child, and there is no place for a child in my busy life. I would find nothing fulfilling about bringing another human being into the world, nor would I find the emotional and physical toll of caregiving satisfying in any way. There are too many opportunities open to me by being unburdened by children to consider changing my mind, even later on in life.

Have you had any childfree role models during your life? Please explain.

Unfortunately, there have not been any childfree role models in my life. Not only is the media intent on pushing the normalcy of nuclear families and selling the idea that parenthood is all hugs and laughs and joy, but Hollywood is obsessed with baby bumps and yummy mommies, so this is no place to turn for role models. Similarly, I come from a Canadian province with (relatively speaking for a nation like Canada) higher-than-average poverty, teenage pregnancy, and family size; and lower-than-average job opportunities, education, and literacy levels. There are no childfree places or organized groups, and I have never met another childfree person in real life. I suspect this is why I never questioned that I would have children someday, even though it was apparent from an early age that I did not like children or babies. It wasn't until I started questioning, "Do I really HAVE to have children? Is there anyone else out there who doesn't like children?" and turned to the Internet for information that I discovered that there are other people out there like me. It was the online childfree community that truly helped me accept who I am and realize that I actually don't have to have children - because it's not wanting them is normal, too! I truly wish that there were some role models living here that could present childfreedom as a valid life choice, so that others here would be exposed to the idea that you don't have to unquestioningly have children. I would be interested in actually meeting another living, breathing childfree person.

When you compare your life to the lives of women you know who have children (family, friends, co-workers), how would you evaluate the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle?

These are my opinions on the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle. This is viewed through my personal, childfree perspective; I'm sure the opinions of parents would be different.

CHILDFREE - ADVANTAGES: opportunity to be spontaneous, whether it involves education, career, travel, or simple things like evenings out- more time to spend on personal hobbies and interests- can devote time to career and pursuit of job opportunities- can devote time to valued relationships such as parents, spouse, friends, extended family, or anything else- opportunity to earn and enjoy your own money; can put away for retirement instead of child's future education- time to stay up-to-date with current events and other adult topics- can design your home however you want; not responsible for children's mess and junky toys- belongings are treated with respect without danger of being dirtied or destroyed by children- greatly decreased impact on overpopulation and global destruction

CHILDFREE - DISADVANTAGES: being subjected to social stereotyping regarding your lifestyle choice- workplace benefits often skewed towards those with children- tax breaks go to the childed- less likely to "fit in" with closed-minded peers- difficulty maintaining friendships as friends have children- difficulty meeting other childfree people to socialize with.

CHILDED - ADVANTAGES: fitting in with social norms- receiving attention and praise for pregnancy, which isn't a special achievement- built-in excuse for people to quit/take time off work to be a full-time caregiver- many claim to experience feelings of love towards their offspring- many countries offer tax breaks and other financial incentives for breeding- can formulate an identity and purpose around your child if you lacked them before

CHILDED - DISADVANTAGES: constantly having to monitor/entertain children- loss of sleep associated with infants/sick children- loss of job freedom, as one/both parent(s) must be breadwinners to support the needs of their children or must give up work they enjoy to stay home with child- loss of identity; many parents think of themselves as just a "mom" or "dad"- personal growth is stunted while attempting to give your children as many advantages as possible- loss of time for relationship with partner/spouse - this time goes into childcare- finances are strained to accommodate needs of children, whose upbringing costs in the hundreds of thousands even before college/university- (women only) body is permanently disfigured with loose skin, stretch marks, and other side effects of pregnancy- often more time spent with children than other adults, which can lead to intellectual stagnation- lack of privacy- home must be kid-proofed and likely to be in a state of chaos and disorder- must engage in disgusting child-related tasks such as feeding/changing diapers.

I think satisfaction in the childed lifestyle comes from fitting in neatly in society and doing exactly what you are expected to do. You are not being independent, radical, or free-thinking, but instead sliding neatly into the mould of what "nice people" do - have "nice families". Satisfaction in this lifestyle comes from a comfortable societal fit and not having to think too much about choices. That being said, the actual lifestyle of having children would not be a comfortable one, being henpecked, having fewer financial options and less freedom in your career, not to mention having less time to devote to other important people in your life because you must constantly monitor and entertain children. Overall, this lifestyle would be very dissatisfying because of the restrictions placed in independence, freedom, and choice by having children. The sacrifices are too great and the rewards don't make up for enough to call this lifestyle choice satisfying.

The childfree lifestyle offers less social comfort (since you're going against the grain and making independent decisions different from society's expectations) but more personal freedom and satisfaction, since you can live your own life unhindered by the burden of children. Your focus can be on personal growth in your education, your career, and your interests, as well as in your relationships with other people. Of course, this necessitates you actually having goals and then striving for them instead of relying on the "I have children, therefore I am wonderful and contributing to society" tripe, where no real work, effort, or talent is involved. The childfree lifestyle is more challenging and requires more effort, a better sense of who you are, and a willingness to stand up for what you believe in - and it is unbelievably satisfying.

Do you perceive that there are any dominant messages expressed in our culture about having children? If so, what are they?

I certainly think our culture expresses dominant messages about having children - the biggest of which is that, simply put, everyone has them. There are no alternatives to what a "normal" family is - it's most usually a heterosexual couple, far less often a same-sex couple, but no matter who the adults are, ALL adults want children. Children are an inevitable part of life; there is no alternative to having them because it's just what every adult does. I would argue that childfree people are invisible in the media, couples who don't have children just haven't had them "yet", and anything involving a "family" includes children as an automatic. Having children is seen as the ideal situation and an unquestionably miraculous event, when in reality many people should not have children because they cannot support them, or they are not emotionally or financially prepared to meet the incredible demands of a child.

Another dominant cultural belief is that children are irrevocably tied to womanhood - not only do ALL women want children to the point of irrationality, but you're not a real woman unless you've given birth to a child or somehow nurtured and raised a child. Motherhood itself is marketed as the most sacred of all bonds and "nothing" can compare to the joy and love between mother and child. This is a powerful, influential message because it is tied to women's own identity and sense of self-worth. The woman who cannot or will not conceive is viewed either with pity or as an unnatural monstrosity, respectively. Womanhood and the gendered concept of "femininity" are not, of course, tied in any way to fertility - babies are simply a reproductive function of all sexual animals, and in no way tied to a person's identity, value, or sense of self-worth. Also, all types of love can be very intense - one type of love is that between a mother and child, but this love can't be qualified as any more or less intense than the love felt between spouses, friends, siblings, or people in any other type of caring, close relationship.

A third dominant message is that somehow parents are less (or not) selfish than those who have not had children. By sacrificing personal freedoms, spare time, and interests for the sake of having a child, parents feel as though they become less selfish than people who refrain from having children and maintain these things. What parents don't realize is that they have made a conscious decision to give up these things in exchange for the perceived benefits of having a child. They have purposely exchanged one thing for another. Meeting a child's needs by sacrificing aspects of your own life does not make you somehow less selfish than other people - it is your responsibility as a caregiver to meet those needs, and you are fulfilling needs that were created by your own choice. It is not unselfish to meet a need that was put there by your very own power, it is simply responsibility for your own actions. Childfree people are not selfish for having these personal freedoms, spare time, and interests given up by parents; they have simply made a different conscious decision to not create a need that they must fulfill.

The media promotes to people only one image of "family" - an idyllic image of smiling parents with attractive, healthy, laughing children who all get along and share in life's tenderest moments. People are spoon-fed this image and want its perfection; they are only shown, however, the perceived "best possible moments" of parenthood. The media certainly doesn't show the children's inevitable bad behavior, boredom, fighting with parents, constant craving for attention, demands for toys, yelling, and destruction of property; nor the parents' exhaustion, financial sacrifices, loss of freedom, and meeting of constant demands - certainly a misleading picture if there ever was one.

Do you feel these messages are for the most part accurate, inaccurate, misleading or something else? Please explain

Please see above.

Have any parents ever spoken to you about the "downside" of having children or told you if they had to go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids? Have any parents expressed that they are jealous of you for being childfree? If so, please describe the conversation(s).

I have not had the experience of a parent directly telling me of the downsides of having children or stating that he/she would have changed his/her mind. However, I have had some indirect experiences. At one holiday event, my older cousins on my mother's side were paying a visit, and they stated to her that they envied her nicely decorated house, because with children they could not enjoy such a thing since their kids would destroy everything. Of course, this was followed up by immediate denial ("But it's all worth it!") and then an indirect bingo to me ("Well, just you wait... your decorated home will come to an end. Just wait till the grandchildren come!"). I didn't waste my breath correcting them. My husband, on the other hand, has had this discussion many times. During his time substitute teaching, many teachers both young and old have asked him if/when he is having children. The reactions fall into two camps, almost divisible by age. The younger ones, who plan to or are in the midst of having children, generally regard him with suspicion and retreat to talk to someone else after hearing his response in the negative. Older teachers, however, who have grown children and have put up with teaching children for over twenty years, generally respond with a "Good for you! I wish I had chosen differently." My husband finds that, surprisingly, among many teachers (particularly teachers who have been teaching for many years) there is a great deal of support for the decision to be childfree - perhaps because teachers work with children every day and they see what the reality is, not just the warm fuzzy picture sold to people by the media.

Clio H., Age 30

Is the idea of having children something that you are open to, or were open to at some point in the past? Is the fact that you don’t have children the result of a deliberate decision or just the way your life happened to work out? If it was a deliberate decision, can you tell me something about how you made this choice, the circumstances, your reasons, whether it was easy, hard, etc.?

I have never had any desire to have children. Even when I was very young, when my friends would play games of being mothers, I was always bored and wanted to play something else. I don't remember ever making a conscious choice - the thought of having children has always been simply foreign to me. Much as people always know their sexual preference, or their favorite color, I have always know that I did not want to be a mother.

What are the three most important factors that influenced your decision to be childfree? Do you enjoy being childfree? If so, why? If not, why not? Are there any bad things about being childfree? If so, what are they?

I very much enjoy being childfree, and can't think of any negatives. I don't have 3 factors, because my entire life I have never felt the desire to be a parent.

Please describe the kinds of reactions you have received from others in response to your not having children. How supportive and accepting have your friends and family been? How accepting do you feel society as whole is of the voluntarily childless ("childfree") lifestyle? Do you feel childfree individuals suffer from unfairness, prejudice or discrimination in society? Do you feel there are common misconceptions about childfree individuals or the childfree lifestyle?

My family has always been supportive, and I married a man who is as staunchly childfree as I am. People were more likely to say "you'll change your mind" when I was 22; now that I'm 30 they tend to believe me. I think many people think that being childfree is selfish, which I don't understand at all, as our income and free time allow us to do many things for our communities that people with children don't have the time or resources to do. I don't think that the childfree suffer any more unfairness than anyone else - the world is occasionally unfair, and sometimes it works out in my favor, sometimes it doesn't. I have some friends who object to higher tax rates - I don't object to paying taxes for schools or many other things that directly benefit people with children, much like I don't object to paying for roads I don't directly drive on - some things benefit the common good even if I don't personally benefit.

In retrospect, how do you feel about your decision to be childfree? Do you still feel the same way as always on this issue? To date have you had any regrets? Do you think you may have regrets later in life? Is there any possibility you may change your mind about having children at some point?

I have always felt that my decision was for the best, although I occasionally think "maybe having kids wouldn't be so bad," but I can't forsee actually having them. I think there's a big difference between "I want a child" and "Maybe it won't be horrible," and unless I could honestly say "I want to be a mother more than anything in the world," I would never have one. There are many regrets in life, and I would much rather occasionally (very occasionally - like once every year or less) regret NOT having kids than ever have one and regret that.

Have you had any childfree role models during your life? Please explain.

I have not.

When you compare your life to the lives of women you know who have children (family, friends, co-workers), how would you evaluate the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle?

I think I am much more satisfied with my life than my friends with children. They have far fewer opportunities than I do - I know many who have stayed in bad jobs or bad marriages "for the sake of the children." They also have less free time, and generally don't have the same positive relationships with their significant others that I do with my husband.

Do you perceive that there are any dominant messages expressed in our culture about having children? If so, what are they?

The dominant message is the assumption that everyone will, and should, have children.

Do you feel these messages are for the most part accurate, inaccurate, misleading or something else? Please explain.

I think the world would be better if fewer people had children, so I believe that message to be inaccurate.

Have any parents ever spoken to you about the "downside" of having children or told you if they had to go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids? Have any parents expressed that they are jealous of you for being childfree? If so, please describe the conversation(s).

I have not had any such conversations.

Carolyn M., Age 39

Is the idea of having children something that you are open to, or were open to at some point in the past? Is the fact that you don’t have children the result of a deliberate decision or just the way your life happened to work out? If it was a deliberate decision, can you tell me something about how you made this choice, the circumstances, your reasons, whether it was easy, hard, etc.?

I do not have children because of a combination of the deliberate decision and the path I chose for my life. When I was a young girl, I was mature for my age and despised how my peers would act, especially in public (temper tantrums, acting babyish for attention). I also preferred being with older children or adults. When I was twelve, my fantasies included having a career in the sciences and living alone in an active city or suburb and jet-setting with fellow scientists or (gasp!) a boyfriend. I did not like babysitting, especially if the children were ill-mannered. I can safely say I was an "early articulator" about my childfree status. I was also eager to grow up and enjoy a career, my own place to live, and be with people with similar interests to me.

During most of my adulthood, including now, I do not dislike children, I just prefer to be around other adults. I still do not particularly care for rude, inconsiderate children. I've always wanted follow the undiscovered or unbeaten path because taking the easy way out was no way for me to learn and grow as a person. I wanted to be a human being first and be a woman second. Being an adult human being means maturing into a productive citizen, learning and applying effective critical thinking skills, volunteering to give back to one's community, taking full responsibilites for all one's actions, and sharing one's wisdom with others. If I had just followed the college/marriage/babies lifescript (in that order), I would not have met all the people at the university I work for and adore or even meet by chance or be able to involve myself in the community (I help work at this university's women's ice hockey games in the winter and I educate the public about birds-of-prey at a local nature center in the summer). I wanted to grow up fully, even if that meant eschewing children or even marriage. I wanted to learn who I was first (well, I knew some things already!) before deciding what was best for me. Because I wanted to be career woman (22 years in the workforce now!), the decision was easy for me to remain childfree. I prioritize self-improvement and achievement over doing things because other people "say so". If you are comfortable in your own skin, the decision is easy. However, the caveat about avowing you are childfree to others is a challenge. If you allow others to influence you that you're not comfortable with any decisions, especially the childfree one, you will waver and waffle. The goal is to stick your guns!

What are the three most important factors that influenced your decision to be childfree? Do you enjoy being childfree? If so, why? If not, why not? Are there any bad things about being childfree? If so, what are they?

I would say three critical events shaped my decision to be childfree. The first, and probably most important and impressionable event, that influenced me to be childfree occurred during my childhood. When I was four to almost nine years old (1972-1977), my mother, my younger brother, and myself lived in New England, and my father had a job in the Mid-Atlantic; he could not find employment in our state, so he wound up getting a job close to his parents. My brother and me would only see our father on weekends, vacation, and holidays. My mother effectively grew into the role of being "both parents". She was not only the primary caregiver, but also the diplomat, disciplinarian, custodian of our household's finances, housecleaner, shopper, and a myriad of other tasks. At a young age, I could tell my father was emotionally distant and his working in another state affected me both negatively and positively. On the negative side, I needed a male role model to give me social self-confidence. Addidtionally, his physical absence reflected my poor dating choices later in life--I never got his spin on egalitarian relationships! On the other hand, my mother grew and changed into this outspoken, confident, and headstrong woman as a direct result of her taking on extra parental responsibilities. My mother was then my hero, because she took on the world, so to speak. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. I also learned at those ages that a woman does not need a man to take care of her business or be successful. I just could not articulate these feelings fully then, but I knew I was different from my peers. In some ways I was a "miniature adult" and my mother knew this and she nurtured my independent and headstrong qualities. I knew that she did not want me to wind up in that situation when I grew up. I could not wait to grow up and enjoy being with people of my own intelligence and maturity level.

The second event, which soldified my already-independent spirit and my mother's message about not settling for less, happened in 1993-1994. I was engaged to a man who increasingly became more emotionally abusive and controlling as the relationship progressed. I found out he had was addicted to cocaine in his past and at the time he was with me, had a cyclic, but dangerous drinking problem. During one of our regular fights, I told him in plain English that I wanted to go back to school to obtain another bachelor's degree so I can have more earning power for our future. I also told him I absolutely did not want children. He would hide my birth control pills, isolate me from my work friends, and tried to dictate my life for me. Nine months was all I could stand. Like my mother did back in the 1970s, I grew that backbone and yelled back at him and told him to pack his bags and leave my apartment. My father controlled my mother and I was witnessing myself being controlled by this odious, manipulative person. The lightbulb went on and the voice inside me said, "Being on your own is a million times better than being with someone who disrespects you and your beliefs. If a man does not respect your right to education, reproductive choices, and your general well-being, then he's not worth a hill of beans!"

I finished my degree two years later, still vehemently childfree, and decided once and for all, that I will not date a man who is not childfree or disrespects my choice to be childfree. The last event that influenced my decision to be childfree occurred in summer 1995, during my annual OB-GYN appointment. Since I was 24 years old, I had irregular, bothersome periods and one month I had to be rushed to the hospital because my bleeding was so profuse. I had to be placed on oral contraceptives to regulate my cycles. Mind you, I'm 27 years old in 1995, I'm nearly finishing my second bachelor's degree, I'm working two jobs to support my way through college, and paying my own bills. Children, especially, was the last thing on my mind. I was not even in a steady long-term relationship, to boot. My OB-GYN at the time says to me, "Your eggs are getting old, your reproductive history is abysmal--you should be more concerned about whether or not you bear children!" I told her that my childfree status was not a topic to be debated with, considering that I was paying for my pills and for the consultation, AND the fact that I was just here for a yearly Pap NOT for a dissertation about my chosen nulliparous status. Needless to say, I found another practitioner and learned a valuable lesson. I do not have to follow the marriage/children life script just because someone thinks they know you better than you do.

Please describe the kinds of reactions you have received from others in response to your not having children. How supportive and accepting have your friends and family been? How accepting do you feel society as whole is of the voluntarily childless ("childfree") lifestyle? Do you feel childfree individuals suffer from unfairness, prejudice or discrimination in society? Do you feel there are common misconceptions about childfree individuals or the childfree lifestyle?

When I was in high school, I received the garden variety, "you're still young!", "You'll change your mind when you meet the right man", ad nauseum. When I arrived at this university, people in my peer group and older were much more accepting about my choice. However, I did meet people who absolutely, vehemently, loathed my attitude. The people who abhor my stance are either: jealous of my lifestyle or unhappy with their lives, so they must inflict their insecurities onto me. Now that I'm 39, for the most part, my friends and family have known I've been overt about being childfree for years and they do not question my lifestyle at all. My mother, especially, is very supportive of my decision; she just wants her children to be happy no matter what. My brother, who is also childfree, will always love me for being me. My father took longer than most to digest the fact I did not follow the typical life script, but he now realizes how happy I am with my life.

As a whole, much of society is still light years behind in accepting a viable personal life path. Even though there are pockets in this country and the world where people accept and appreciate you for your choices, most people are not aware that being childfree can be a choice in their future. Some people truly are afraid of being labeled a "failure" or "not a whole person" is they have not borne children. That's very sad to me. We are all whole people, each of us has to realize that we always will be whole until we die. Too many people on this planet have this need to "fill the void". And filling said void by having children without considering financial and personal consequences is not productive to our society.

There are unfair prejudices against the childfree--people who are childfree are labelled "selfish", "hedonistic", and "immature". I myself have been misconstrued because I'm childfree. People who do not know me think my life is problem-free and my chores magically finish themselves because they claim I have no deadlines or goals due to lack of offspring. Honestly, I many of my childfree compatriots bear the burden of pulling the weight at the workplace for parents. Many childfree people have to fill in for holidays and work overtime to pick up the slack. That's not fair--I believe in equal work for equal pay. If one cannot work the hours allotted or make up the lost time effectively, then do not take the job! And, I do not believe the childfree should pay more taxes to support the childed. Our government has always ignored our (now growing) segment of the U.S. population. There many common misconceptions, sadly, about childfree individuals. Some people assume that the childfree are a plethora of adjectives: lazy, narcissistic, selfish, immature, barren, and hateful, just to name a few. Not all childfree people have boatloads of money to spend or oodles of vacation time. Not true!

In retrospect, how do you feel about your decision to be childfree? Do you still feel the same way as always on this issue? To date have you had any regrets? Do you think you may have regrets later in life? Is there any possibility you may change your mind about having children at some point?

I am very confortable with my decision to be childfree. I have absolutely no regrets. I've known since I was twelve I did not want to have children and I'm pleased as punch that I held on to my beliefs. I'm glad I was (and am not) pressured to do such a life-altering decision, because I know in my heart that I do not have the patience and time to devote to raising children. I've always been a headstrong, cerebral person and I'm the type to fully analyze situations. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I would not have the variety and spice that I've chosen in my life now if I had children. I do not think I will have any regrets because I know I have chosen the lifestyle that fits me to a "t". Many years of self-analysis and trial-and-error in different jobs and bonding with a wide variety of people has taught me that I absolutely must be either on my own or with a partner that embraces an egalitarian relationship with me (I am currently enjoying a fabulous dating relationship with another steadfast childfree man. We've enjoyed two years together so far!) . I am more than just a reproductive vessel. I am a human being who has her own likes and dislikes and not afraid to tell people so. If I did change my mind, people would be stunned, knowing how decisive and independent I am!

Have you had any childfree role models during your life? Please explain.

I had three childfree roles throughout my life. The first one was Deborah Harry, the lead singer of Blondie. When I was eleven, I wanted to ber her! I not only loved her music, but her attitude and strength. I looked up to her because, there she was: attractive, strong, driven and she poured her soul into her craft! When I heard her interviews, she sounded like she did not take any crap from anyone! I found out later she has never married and does not have children! I thought to myself, "That might be me when I'm older!" I was right about that--I am driven and put my soul into my work and volunteer time!

Another role model was an English literature college professor (Spring 1988). She was striking, confident, and unabashedly proud of being single. She enjoyed her career path and shared tidbits of her travels. Wow, I thought. Some women in academia firmly love their lives!

My best childfree role model is one of my former work superviors here, a tenured professor in microbiology and biotechnology. I worked for her when I was obtaining my second bachelor's degree. After breaking up with my ex-fiance, she helped my re-build my confidence and re-instilled that I was in the driver's seat of my life. We also shared a similar work ethic and outlook on life. She always reminded everyone that you have to find yourself first before committing to anything life-altering. She was married and did not have children and had no regrets. She enjoyed climbing the ranks of academia because that was her dream. She was an exemplary role model to not just the women in her lab, but also to the men, too. She always believed in building your mind and qualities first before sharing your life with anyone, if you chose to do so. She always said to never settle on a lifestyle because you covet someone else's--you must carve your own path and find the answers to your own questions. Today I share those sentiments with the students I work with.

When you compare your life to the lives of women you know who have children (family, friends, co-workers), how would you evaluate the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle?

My friends who have children tell me that they lack "adult time" with other people and that they miss the camaraderie that comes with bonding with people in your age bracket. These same friends' children were planned and they are well-taken care of. On the other hand, I have numerous acquaintances with children and some of them are separated or divorced and many of them regret having children because they did not think about the financial responsibilities or the changes that happen when people become parents. These people thought that having children was "the next progression in their lives".

Do you perceive that there are any dominant messages expressed in our culture about having children? If so, what are they?

There are many dominant messages in our society that condone childbearing. If one looks at our current commercials running any part of our day or night, and people should see that a child or children or messages about children are subliminally placed whether or not the product(s) have anything to do with children. The messages to women, in particular, are, "All women have children" or "Having a baby make housework or life more fun!", or "A baby is essential to complete your life", "Children are the future". The recent Hollywood baby boom has prompted more women to have more children since the early 1960s, as well. To a lot of women, having the baby is in vogue, because that's what Hollywood has promoted. Even Hollywood has spurned numerous films that glorify pregnancy, even if the theme is negative (i.e "Juno", "Knocked Up"). The message that Madison Avenue and Hollywood is promoting is being pregnant or being part of a baby-glorifying nation is the "in" thing now.

Do you feel these messages are for the most part accurate, inaccurate, misleading or something else? Please explain.

I believe our nation is seeing a huge increase in baby or infant-centered shows, magazine, and themes. Actors and actresses who are portrayed or are childfree are ignored, shunned, or even considered an evil character or an image to be pitied.

Have any parents ever spoken to you about the "downside" of having children or told you if they had to go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids? Have any parents expressed that they are jealous of you for being childfree? If so, please describe the conversation(s).

One couple I know who have recently separated and share custody of their son, definitely regretted getting married and having their son. The pregnancy was an accident and neither one of them wished to abort, so they hastened the walk down the aisle. Nine years later, the husband regrets losing his freedom and a good part of his friendships. She has to work two jobs to support her son. Neither one of them is on positive speaking terms with each other and they used to be quite happy together in earlier days. The woman told me she regretted having a child at a younger age than she wanted. If both of them turned back time, she said the last nine years would not have happened.

I have never been told by parents that they are jealous of my lifestyle to my face, by e-mail, or by phone, however, the smirks, the angry looks, and sometimes a passive-aggressive snippy, indirect comment how I'm "unburdened" tell me that said people (who most likely, do not know me) are insecure, jealous, or unhappy with their circumstances. These instances have not happened frequently but I know why they have occurred. I do not judge them for having children, so why should my decision to reamin childfree be judged?

Mel H., Age 42

Is the idea of having children something that you are open to, or were open to at some point in the past? Is the fact that you don’t have children the result of a deliberate decision or just the way your life happened to work out? If it was a deliberate decision, can you tell me something about how you made this choice, the circumstances, your reasons, whether it was easy, hard, etc.?

I've known since I was a child that I never wanted to have children. Even as a child, I preferred the company of adults. Not having children is as much a part of me as having hazel eyes or liking coconut.I've never given it a conscious thought, I just always KNEW I never wanted children and never considered the alternative.

What are the three most important factors that influenced your decision to be childfree? Do you enjoy being childfree? If so, why? If not, why not? Are there any bad things about being childfree? If so, what are they?

1. I don't like children. That's it really. I can list other reasons why I'm glad I never had and will not have one, but as far as the factors influencing my decision...I don't like children and never have. I enjoy being childfree. I enjoy having my quiet and solitude and not having to deal with children. For me, there are no bad things about being childfree apart from the fact that the society I live in is geared toward children and families.

Please describe the kinds of reactions you have received from others in response to your not having children. How supportive and accepting have your friends and family been? How accepting do you feel society as whole is of the voluntarily childless ("childfree") lifestyle? Do you feel childfree individuals suffer from unfairness, prejudice or discrimination in society? Do you feel there are common misconceptions about childfree individuals or the childfree lifestyle?

My parents are supportive and even have stated that they wouldn't have had kids if they had it to do over again in a different time in our society. No reflection on me personally or my childhood--they just didn't ever consider the alternative of not having kids and are pleased that I am able to do so. The rest of my family thinks that I am a)one of "them"--"them" being homosexual; b)that I am denying my true purpose by not having children and c) that I'll never be truly happy or understand true happiness until I've experienced childbirth and childrearing.

Society as a whole is NOT accepting of people choosing to be childfree. We are discriminated against in the workplace, in IRS tax rules, in politics (if you have no kids and certainly if you admit not liking kids, you can forget running for office in many areas).

Childfree misconceptions that drive me crazy include: You can do all the extra work or work overtime because since you don't have kids, you don't have anything really IMPORTANT that you are doing with your time anyway; They think the childfree can afford anything or go anywhere since they don't have kids that means you don't have other financial obligations (I've been asked by pitch in more than others to a kitty or pool since I don't have kids), that you have all the free time in the world because you don't have kids, that you'll learn to like kids if you just spend enough time around them, that you must be a mean or degenerative person if you don't like kids. It never ends.

In retrospect, how do you feel about your decision to be childfree? Do you still feel the same way as always on this issue? To date have you had any regrets? Do you think you may have regrets later in life? Is there any possibility you may change your mind about having children at some point?

No regrets, ever, even for a moment. I asked my doctor for a hysterectomy when I was 13 and he lost it. I asked again at 15, 17, 18, 21, 25 and 30. I finally stopped asking, it just wasn't worth hearing "but you'll change your mind". I will never have regrets and I will never change my mind.

Have you had any childfree role models during your life? Please explain.

No. All of my family breeds like cats in heat constantly. My own mother had 7 miscarriages between my half-brother and me (we're ten years apart). All the women in my family (including my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins) have all had at least one kid by the time they were 17 (whether in or out of wedlock). Most have been on welfare. All end up with at least 4-7 kids. No, no childfree role models.

When you compare your life to the lives of women you know who have children (family, friends, co-workers), how would you evaluate the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle?

I know of no one with children who seems to be a very happy person, individually. I know of families where the family seems somewhat happy, but the individual parents are always complaining about the kids and how much they cost and how they keep them awake and how they have no time to spend doing what they want because of the kids, and on and on and on.....My childfree friends are happier overall, better handle their finances, and seem more at peace with themselves and the world.

Do you perceive that there are any dominant messages expressed in our culture about having children? If so, what are they?

Absolutely. You are expected to have children and if you don't you are selfish and don't know what you are missing. If you choose not to have children, you are expected to be the automatic relief valve and "aunt" for everybody else's kid and they expect that you of course don't have kids for some other reason than you don't want them, so they constantly try to bring their kids around you, so you won't be "lonely" or because it will "help you understand the joy of raising children". Society gives tax breaks to families--the more kids the better the payout. If you live in an apartment and there is a maintenance issue for both you and a family, the family gets first priority because "they have children". There are children's menus, children's chairs, children run amok with corporate permission even in what should be adult-only venues like museums and formal concerts. After all, "they are just children". And god forbid you comment or complain about a child's behaviour, because everyone will look at you aghast because after all they are "just children". Poor little things.

Do you feel these messages are for the most part accurate, inaccurate, misleading or something else? Please explain.

Totally inaccurate but this entire society is brainwashed into believing that they have no power or control over the children in their midst. I have personally corrected many children of all ages even in front of their parents and guess what?! They usually settle right down when confronted by firm adult guidance.

Have any parents ever spoken to you about the "downside" of having children or told you if they had to go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids? Have any parents expressed that they are jealous of you for being childfree? If so, please describe the conversation(s).

It's funny. Parents bitch constantly about their kids and I'll say "maybe you shouldn't have had kids" and they look aghast and back-peddle "oh, no I LOVE my children. It's just that we're having a hard day/week/month." But once the kids are grown and out of the house, suddenly they come clean: "I would never have had him if I'd known..." "I wish I'd never made that mistake" "I love her but I wish I could go back in time". But they only make these statements once they are "free" of the children. It's like they are afraid to admit the truth while the child is at home and really who can blame them? It's not like you can give them back. You're stuck once you have that kid, that's it. Deal. But yes, once the kids are gone, they all say "I can't believe how nice it is to have my time to myself" and "I understand now why you didn't want to give this up". But only once the kids are out of the house. I've NEVER had any of them come up and say "you know, I'd do it all again". NEVER.

Tina D., Age 33

Is the idea of having children something that you are open to, or were open to at some point in the past? Is the fact that you don’t have children the result of a deliberate decision or just the way your life happened to work out? If it was a deliberate decision, can you tell me something about how you made this choice, the circumstances, your reasons, whether it was easy, hard, etc.?

I made the personal decision not to have children very early. I never seriously considered having children even when I was planning to marry. It is my personal opinion that children do not fit into the lifestyle I pursue. I plan on continuing my education, advancing in my career as an editor and teacher, and traveling. The decision not to become a mother was an easy one for me because of my desired lifestyle but members of my family are disappointed in my choice.

What are the three most important factors that influenced your decision to be childfree? Do you enjoy being childfree? If so, why? If not, why not? Are there any bad things about being childfree? If so, what are they?

1. Society feels that you must live your life for your children and I disagree.2. Because of our child-centric society, many women who insist on taking time out for themselves are looked down upon because they are viewed as selfish. 3. Because of the sense of entitlement taught to children today, many children will grow to be narcissistic adults and remaining childless would prevent me from having to battle that issue because I would raise my child to earn extras, not to demand and expect them.I very much enjoy being childfree. Because of that choice I have traveled to several European countries and plan to continue. I am currently pursuing a Masters degree on my own terms. I also feel that I have saved more money than could have been possible if I had a child. Other than the constant "reminders" that I will someday regret not having children, there are no other negative consequences.

Please describe the kinds of reactions you have received from others in response to your not having children. How supportive and accepting have your friends and family been? How accepting do you feel society as whole is of the voluntarily childless ("childfree") lifestyle? Do you feel childfree individuals suffer from unfairness, prejudice or discrimination in society? Do you feel there are common misconceptions about childfree individuals or the childfree lifestyle?

Society expects women to want to have children and not all women do. While I respect a woman's personal choice to procreate, I find that women are not as understanding when they hear another women claim they don't want children. We are immediately accused of being selfish or we get the backhanded compliment when they say we are obviously doing a service for society by not having children because we are more than likely unfit to raise children. Other times we are regarded as "evil child-hating monsters". It is automatically assumed that because a woman does not want any children of her own that she despises everyone else's child(ren). This is also not the case. Moms might feel that their offspring is the center of the universe, but all others many not agree and that is not to be taken personally. Trying to explain that to some mothers is not the easiest tasks so I find it is best to disengage from the conversation when it is brought up.

In my case, my mother is disappointed in my decision not to have children and she deals with it by dismissing it as a "phase".I do feel there is discrimination in society, however, and it is against fathers and other parental figures. Divorce rates are over 50% and I believe mothers get automatic primary custody over 85% of the time. When this is challenged, fathers are deemed "dead beats" in order to protect the status of the glorified mother. I choose not to adopt this popular opinion and I advocate for shared parenting and equal rights for both parents in every way possible.

In retrospect, how do you feel about your decision to be childfree? Do you still feel the same way as always on this issue? To date have you had any regrets? Do you think you may have regrets later in life? Is there any possibility you may change your mind about having children at some point?

I have never changed my mind about having children nor do I feel I will ever. I hope that I am a good enough person to always have friends to grow old with. These people will stay with me because of my efforts to earn their respect and to do my best to always treat everyone kindly. I am sure that I will never regret having a child for the sole purspose of ensuring that someone will take care of me. I find that reasoning selfish and too demanding on the child.

Have you had any childfree role models during your life? Please explain.

Unfortunately no. Quite the opposite has occurred. More and more friends are having children and have focused their entire attention on their kids which I try to understand, but it only re-enforces my original theory that individuality is sacrificed upon becoming a mom.

When you compare your life to the lives of women you know who have children (family, friends, co-workers), how would you evaluate the advantages, disadvantages, and overall life satisfaction associated with each kind of lifestyle?

Most of the women I know who have children are also divorced and their lives are filled with drama and unpleasant situations. They claim to take extreme pleasure in their children and state that through it all, having children was very worthwhile. I consider it a romantic notion that the children make everything right even in the hardest of times, but utimately, I find their answers somewhat programmed. I do hear the same moms say how lucky I am that I get to sleep in late, take naps, stay home when the weather is awful. These moms claim they "must" get up at the crack of dawn with their kids, they can never sleep in late. They have to take the kids to soccer practice even though it's pouring rain outside. It is my opinion that my lifestyle is the more desirable of the two. However these moms will never come right out and say that. They just keep telling me how "lucky" I am. Often I feel like telling them, I am not lucky, this was a conscience choice to live childfree and for myself.

Do you perceive that there are any dominant messages expressed in our culture about having children? If so, what are they?

I have found that society has glorified mothers and children to the point of absurdity. It is now popular opinion that because a woman endured the physical act of birthing children, along with that act came this gift of omniscience and higher status. Hence the theory "Mother knows best". Some women use this for a sense of power. These are the types of moms who accuse a qualified teacher of pushing the child too hard when the teacher insists that the child could do better. These mothers insist that they are the only ones who could properly care for their child. The child's father and grandparents are just babysitters and considered sub-par when compared to MOTHER. Women who choose not to have children are deemed selfish, although one could argue that it is a selfish act to produce children as a means of insurance of having someone return love out of obligation.

More popular opinions are : Once the children are born they ought to be spoiled. Give them more than what we had when we were growing up. Become your child's friend, there is so much that you will miss out on if you do not pal around with your child. If the child is failing at school, blame everyone else and never hold the child accountable. The real reason why this is not done is because many mothers consider children as mere extensions of themselves. If they admit their child failed, they feel as if they are admitting they failed themselves.

Do you feel these messages are for the most part accurate, inaccurate, misleading or something else? Please explain.

The popular opinions concerning motherhood and children are nothing but fashionable for the times. I believe there will be a cultural awakening and opinion will change. Mothers will no longer be glorified but held accountable and challenged when they should be.

10. Have any parents ever spoken to you about the "downside" of having children or told you if they had to go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids? Have any parents expressed that they are jealous of you for being childfree? If so, please describe the conversation(s).

I have never met a parent who wanted to turn back the clock and not have the child.